Self-Compassion During Setbacks
- kaitlynboudreault
- Sep 19
- 5 min read
Setbacks are something that each of you will experience at some point in your life. You can’t escape them, as they are part of life.
When someone experiences a setback, such as a project not going exactly as planned, a promotion that didn’t happen, or a conflict with a family member that has caused you to grow more distant, it’s common to feel overwhelmed.
Perhaps you also feel frustrated, disappointed, or ashamed in these moments.
But these experiences don’t define your worth. There is also another way that you could respond to these challenges that can help you navigate setbacks with kindness, patience, and resilience.
The shift is known as self-compassion.
If you have ever felt stuck in self-criticism, anxiety over a mistake, or pressure to be perfect, consider taking time to pause and treat yourself with care. Need some help to practice this? A self-compassion therapist in Ontario, Canada, could provide support.
In this blog, we will delve into what self-compassion is, the core components, and some strategies for cultivating it in your daily life so you can move from comparison to kind self-talk.
What Is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is a concept pioneered by Dr. Kristin Neff and involves the practice of treating yourself with the same kindness that you would give a close friend who is facing a difficult situation.
It helps to shift your mindset so that you can respond to setbacks, mistakes, or imperfections without judgment.
Rather than harsh self-criticism or comparison, self-compassion encourages acknowledgment of your struggles while maintaining a sense of compassion for these challenges.
Components of Self-Compassion
According to Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion consists of three core components that work together to help an individual respond to setbacks. These components consist of
Self-Kindness vs. Self-Judgment
Instead of responding to your mistakes with harsh criticism or negative self-talk, self-kindness involves being gentle and understanding of yourself during these times.
One example of this would involve a shift in mindset from “I always fail” to “I’m trying my best, and I’m learning every day from my mistakes.”
Common Humanity vs. Isolation
This component recognizes that you are not the only one who is going through setbacks and making mistakes. Common humanity is about how setbacks and mistakes are a universal human experience.
Looking at common humanity when you are struggling involves understanding that everyone experiences challenges, not just you.
Mindfulness vs. Over-Identification
Instead of connecting yourself too much to your emotions to the point where they consume you or you suppress them, mindfulness allows you to observe and acknowledge the emotions and let them float by like leaves in a river. For example, if you are feeling frustrated or disappointed, you would notice these emotions and allow them to pass through without labelling yourself as “broken” or “incompetent.”
Comparison Isn’t Beneficial
Comparison involves viewing what other people are doing or where they are at and potentially judging yourself for not meeting the same standards.
Engaging in comparison often leads to negative self-judgment. You may feel as if you are behind or less than if your social media, career, or other achievements are not measuring up to the same level as those of other people.
There is even some research on social comparison that shows that constant comparison can increase stress and reduce motivation (Festinger, 1954; Suls et al., 2002).
The shift here would be to focus on your personal milestones, learning opportunities, and growth, because this is more likely to move you forward through setbacks.
If you are experiencing challenges with moving away from comparison, here are some tips to move toward self-compassion:
Limit social media or curated content that triggers judgment.
Reflect on your unique progress instead of others’ paths.
Celebrate small wins that are meaningful to you.
Why Neurodivergent People Can Benefit from Self-Compassion
Neurodivergent individuals often engage in harsh self-criticism, social comparison, and trying to conform to societal standards that don’t quite consider how their brains work.
The challenges that neurodivergent individuals face, such as executive functioning differences, sensory sensitivities, or mental health challenges, can make setbacks feel even harder to push through.
Practicing self-compassion daily can help to:
Reduce anxiety around mistakes and performance.
Help regulate emotions after overwhelming experiences.
Increase resilience and motivation for personal growth.
Provide a buffer against burnout caused by overextending to meet external expectations.
For example, if someone with ADHD is facing challenges with task completion as a result of ADHD paralysis, viewing these difficulties with self-compassion will allow them to focus on the progress they have made, rather than the shame from unmet expectations.
Kind Self-Talk Rewires Unhelpful Patterns
On top of all the benefits listed above, the way you shape yourself also shapes your daily thoughts, emotions, and behaviours.
Your brain recognizes the way you talk to yourself and wires itself accordingly. Engaging in kind self-talk that is gentle, supportive, and non-judgmental can help to rewire the negative thought patterns within your brain and reduce the impact of setbacks.
If you are experiencing challenges with trying to come up with ways to engage in kind self-talk, here are some examples:
“It’s okay to feel frustrated. I’m learning and growing.”
“I made a mistake, but it doesn’t define my worth.”
“I’m allowed to pause and take care of myself before moving forward.”
Neuroscience research supports that positive self-talk activates brain regions associated with emotion regulation. This helps to decrease stress and foster resilience (Falk et al., 2010).
Practical Strategies for Cultivating Self-Compassion
The way that you engage in self-compassion will be unique to you and what works best for your needs. But here are some common ways that you can cultivate self-compassion in your daily life to help you move from self-criticism and unhealthy comparison to kind self-talk.
Recognize Your Achievements
Celebrate small wins, even if progress feels incremental.
Write down daily accomplishments to reinforce a sense of growth.
Pause and Regroup
Allow yourself time to step back when feeling overwhelmed.
Incorporate mindful breathing, journaling, or sensory breaks.
Set Realistic Expectations
Avoid perfectionism. Growth occurs in progress.
Break goals into achievable steps to reduce overwhelm.
Leverage Supportive Relationships
Connect with people who validate your experiences and celebrate your progress.
Supportive relationships amplify resilience and motivation.
Engage in Self-Care Rituals
Activities that nourish your mind and body, such as walks, hobbies, or quiet time, reinforce self-compassion practices.
Incorporate Mindful Reflection
Reflect on your thoughts and emotions with curiosity and patience.
Journaling prompts: “What did I do well today?” or “What lessons did I learn from this setback?”
Moving Forward with Self-Compassion
Cultivating self-compassion is not something that is going to happen overnight. It is a practice that requires consistent reflection, awareness, and intentional kindness.
By continuing to acknowledge your setbacks without judgment, move away from comparison, and celebrate your achievements through kind self-talk, you can create a foundation for long-term resilience.
Looking for Support? Book a Free Consultation With Bee Kind Counselling
If you currently feel overwhelmed by your setbacks and self-compassion feels challenging, Bee Kind Counselling can provide mindfulness self-compassion-based (MSBT) tailored to your unique needs.
Bee Kind Counselling can help you in:
Developing self-compassion and emotional resilience
Responding to setbacks with kindness and understanding
Building sustainable coping strategies
Celebrating progress and achievements
Reach out at admin@beekindcounselling.com or visit www.beekindcounselling.com to schedule a free 15-minute consultation.
References
Neff, K. D. (2003). The development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and Identity, 2(3), 223–250.
Festinger, L. (1954). A theory of social comparison processes. Human Relations, 7(2), 117–140.
Suls, J., Martin, R., & Wheeler, L. (2002). Social comparison: Why, with whom, and with what effect? Current Directions in Psychological Science, 11(5), 159–163.
Falk, E. B., et al. (2010). Self-affirmation alters the brain’s response to health messages and subsequent behavior change. PNAS, 107(40), 17200–17205.
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