Distress Tolerance: How to Sit With Your Feelings as an Adult
- kaitlynboudreault
- May 30
- 5 min read
Have you ever found yourself trying to push away uncomfortable emotions? Do you hope that they will just disappear if you try hard enough to get rid of them?
This is understandable! In the world of today, our societal standards often encourage us to “stay positive” or “just move on,” even when we may be experiencing deep and painful emotions.
But pushing these painful feelings away may lead to more distress in the long run.
At Bee Kind Counselling, there is a team of counsellors in Ontario, Canada, that can help you gain the tools for distress tolerance or sitting with your emotions, especially the difficult ones.
In this blog, we’ll explore what it means to sit with your emotions, why it can be difficult to do, and practical strategies to help you develop emotional resilience.
What Are Difficult Emotions?
We all experience a wide range of emotions as a result of being human. These feelings are natural.
From time to time we may experience more intense emotions, often referred to as difficult emotions by some.
These difficult emotions are intense feelings like sadness, anger, fear, or shame. They may be uncomfortable, but they aren’t wrong or bad.
In fact, they signal that there is a need that is going unmet. This need is something that needs attention, understanding, or care. When we recognize these emotions, it is a step to meeting our needs. And when we meet our needs, we can begin healing.
Why Do We Experience Difficult Emotions?
Everyone experiences difficult emotions for different reasons. But one thing that is for sure is that difficult emotions don’t just come out of nowhere. They usually have causes rooted in our life experiences, thoughts, and unmet needs.
Here’s a closer look at some common causes of some of the common difficult emotions.
Sadness
Often a response to loss, disappointment, or unmet emotional needs, sadness may signal a longing for connection, rest, or time to process grief. Moreover, depression can signal a long-term feeling of sadness.
Typically arises from fear of the unknown, uncertainty, or perceived threats. It’s a signal that we feel unsafe, unprepared, or overwhelmed.
Anger
Frequently shows up when our boundaries are crossed or when we feel powerless or unheard. Anger can indicate injustice, frustration, or a need for change.
What Does It Mean to Sit With Your Emotions?
It can be difficult to allow yourself to truly feel uncomfortable by allowing your emotions to just be. For teens, emotional regulation can be particularly challenging.
But sitting with your emotions can be beneficial.
This is what sitting with your emotions involves.
Sitting with your feelings means allowing yourself to experience emotions fully without trying to suppress, avoid, or change them immediately.
You are creating space for your feelings, observing them with curiosity, and accepting their presence without judgment.
Why Might This Be Difficult to Do?
Through societal conditioning, many of us have learned, consciously or unconsciously, to avoid uncomfortable emotions.
The reasons for why someone may have a difficult time sitting with their emotions differ from person to person. But here are some common reasons:
Fear of being overwhelmed or losing control
Belief that feelings are dangerous or need to be fixed
Past experiences of emotional pain or rejection
Cultural or personal messages that encourage suppressing emotions
The desire to escape discomfort quickly, leading to avoidance behaviours
Using Distress Tolerance to Sit With Your Emotions
Distress tolerance refers to a set of vital skills and strategies that help you endure and manage intense, painful emotions or stressful situations without making things worse.
Sometimes, no matter how much we want to avoid pain, it happens. We need ways to sit with it and get through it safely.
These skills help you to build resilience and acceptance when you experience distressing situations. You learn to tolerate distress rather than trying to suppress, escape, or react impulsively.
When Might Distress Tolerance Be Used?
These techniques can be used in a variety of situations.
The exact situation will depend on the individual, but some common reasons why distress tolerance is used include
During intense emotional episodes
When facing a crisis or emergency
When feeling overwhelmed or hopeless
When impulse urges arise
In moments of unavoidable stress
Benefits of Using Distress Tolerance
Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a form of therapy that involves learning distress tolerance techniques so that you are able to tolerate distressing situations without reacting in unhealthy ways.
There are many benefits to distress tolerance, including:
Reduce emotional suffering.
Prevent impulsive reactions.
Stay present during difficult times.
Increase self-control and calmness.
Strategies for Distress Tolerance
TIPP
Temperature: Change your body temperature (e.g., cold water on face).
Intense Exercise: Do quick, vigorous activity to shift focus.
Paced Breathing: Use breathing to self-soothe.
Paired muscle relaxation: Tense and release muscle groups.
ACCEPTS
Activities: Do something engaging.
Contributing: Help others.
Compare: Think of worse times.
Emotions: Generate opposite feelings (e.g., joy vs. sadness).
Push away: Temporarily set aside distressing thoughts.
Thoughts: Focus on neutral thoughts.
Sensations: Use sensory situations.
IMPROVE
Imagery: Visualize a happy place.
Meaning: Find purpose.
Prayer: Use spiritual connection.
Relaxation: Use relaxing techniques.
One thing at a time: Focus solely on the present task.
Vacation: Take a mental break.
Encouragement: Use positive self-talk.
Additional Strategies for Sitting with Your Feelings
Grounding techniques
Use your senses to anchor yourself in the present moment. Use the 5-4-3-2-1. This involves focusing on what you see, hear, feel, taste, or smell.
This helps reduce the intensity of difficult feelings and creates a sense of safety.
Self-Soothing
Use your senses to comfort yourself:
Listen to calming music.
Use pleasant scents or lotions.
Look at calming images of nature.
Sing or hum a favorite song.
Hold a comforting object.
Radical Acceptance
Radical acceptance is a mindfulness-based skill that involves fully accepting reality as it is, without resistance or judgment.
It’s about acknowledging the present moment, even if it’s painful, to reduce suffering.
Mindful observation
Try to observe your emotions so that you can understand why it is that you may be experiencing them. Get curious, essentially. Practice observing your feelings without judgment. Notice where you feel the emotion in your body, how it looks, sounds, or feels. Label the emotion to create awareness and distance from it.
Deep breathing
Breathing can help to create a sense of calm to be able to explore your feelings deeper by allowing you to move through the discomfort. Engage in slow, diaphragmatic breathing—inhale deeply through your nose, hold for a few seconds, then exhale slowly through your mouth.
Self-compassion
Try a self-compassion break and treat yourself the way you would a friend who is going through difficult emotions. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. Use gentle affirmations like, “It’s okay to be upset,” or “I am safe at this moment.”
Allow and observe
Try to accept that feelings will come up at any given time. This is an inevitable aspect of life. Instead of trying to change your feelings, you can simply allow them to exist. Watch them as if you’re a curious observer—without judgment or resistance. Over time, this practice helps reduce how overwhelming difficult emotions can feel.
Book a Free Consultation With Bee Kind Counselling
Are you struggling with overwhelming emotions and unsure how to manage them?
Bee Kind Counselling's compassionate team of therapists in Ontario, Canada, can help you explore your emotions and develop the tools to navigate them in a healthy way.
Book a free 15-minute consultation by emailing admin@beekindcounselling.com, calling 519-757-7842, or booking online through our website.
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